The Honor of Best Traffic Reporter

Last week in the "Inside TV & Radio" column of JSonline.com, readers (assuming i'm not the only one who reads this loosely termed 'column') learned of Milwaukee's Achievement in Radio Awards that were recently handed out. Despite the fact that I feel Milwaukee has probably the worst radio programming in the nation, I guess there's still honor in being named the best of the worst.

Catching my eye was Debbie Lazaga (the first "a" has an acento above it) being named "Best Traffic Reporter." An award-winning traffic reporter. Is this the pinnacle of her career? How does one become an award-winning traffic reporter? I wonder if it was a tight race...who was runner-up best traffic reporter?

I'll attempt to answer none of the aforementioned questions. Partially because i emailed the know-it-all author of the column, and upon my asking him those very questions he replied: "I have no access to the judges, so i couldn't really ask them." Boo. There's goes that idea for a blog...

I equate a traffic reporter (TV or radio) to an elementary school gym teacher. I admire both jobs. I would love to fly around in a helicopter and state the obvious over the airwaves. Just like I would love to wear sweat pants to work and have the toughest decision of my day be to play Stuck in the Mud with the kids, or play with that big parachute. Moreover, when the weather is bad outside, the gym teacher plans indoor activities...and the traffic reporter is grounded and has to give reports based on the DOT website and webcams!

(i loved parachute day!)

When other people's commute to work is your job...what do you do between commutes? (the answer to this questions negates my point, so i won't tell you). I bet at the annual national conference of the Traffic Reporters of American Media (T.R.A.M.--ironically a form of public transportation) , everyone looks at cities like Milwaukee and laughs: our rush-hour is inappropriately named. Rush-45minutes just doesn't flow though.

I also imagine attendees at the conference go to educational sessions titled:
"You're Grounded: Traffic reporting from the office"
"No, You Can't Touch That: Effective communication with your pilot"
"Bumper to Bumper: Naming your traffic jam" --With the rise and fall of the sun, our jobs call us into action. People need to get to work, and they need our guidance on the conditions ahead. However, we live in a society addicted to creativity and change. In this session, we will address new ways of delivering the same message: traffic is bad. Please come prepared to share your nomenclature and to leave with a new voice to take back to your listeners.

OLD:
"Bumper to bumper"
"Traffic is at a standstill"
"I94 is a virtual parking lot"
"Expect delays coming into the city"

NEW:
"Someone get I94 Eastbound a laxative, things are really backing up over there!"
"The lines at the DMV are moving faster and I43 southbound"

At the evening social, T.R.A.M. attendees share stories of spilling coffee in the helicopter and the pilot getting pissed. Traffic reporters from New York, Atlanta and L.A. are stand-offish, and only let the big cities socialize with them. Smaller market reporters get drunk at the hotel bar.



Listening to: Belle & Sebastian

Reading: Guns, Germs, and Steel